Learning, Unlearning and Learning Control
If you have interacted with me at all sometime in these past eight weeks (specifically after I listened to this episode of At Work by The Ready), you will have heard me share this quote by Alvin Toffler:
“The illiterate of the 21st century will not be those who cannot read or write. It will be those who cannot learn, unlearn and learn again.”
In my recent newsletter, I recommended looking at those three states and defining what you think you are doing to fulfill those three categories: what are you learning? What are you unlearning? What are you learning again?
Today, however, I am going to use these three states differently. I am going to apply it as a vertical to my relationship with control.
RELATIONSHIP WITH CONTROL – THE SUMMARY
WHAT I AM LEARNING: The benefits of my controlling tendencies are also symptoms of high-functioning anxiety.
WHAT I AM UNLEARNING: The illusion of self-determination.
WHAT I AM LEARNING AGAIN: How to wield control by remaining deeply present.
The deeper dive
I have long been considered a proactive, organized, reliable, and intentional person. I plan with contingencies and anticipate and mitigate discomfort. I like to take charge of situations, make expectations explicit and manage time with lots of useful buffers to keep things going smoothly.
This is great! I’m great at work! I’m great on a team! I make parties and travel fun! Why would I ever change this modus operandi?
Because I am learning that these skills, that I enjoy applying and benefiting from, are actually long-term, deeply ingrained, coping mechanisms for anxiety.
Anxiety is defined as being uncomfortable with uncertainty. In my case, uncertainty does not mean disliking spontaneity, surprises or adventure. I actually don’t even mind curveballs being thrown into plans because it is fun to adapt and think up new solutions. The deep uncertainty I struggle with, is when I am going to lose something that is important to me. The contingency on contingency planning is a self-soothing technique to deal with the discomfort and fear of loss.
Ironically, the fact that it is not an uncertain “if” that fuels my anxious fire, but an uncertain “when”. It has seeded my whole time management philosophy which allows me to quickly discern what is important and barrel forward.
The thing about high-functioning anxiety is that nothing is wrong. In fact, everything is great! Until it isn’t.
Suddenly, nothing is worth anything anymore. All best efforts will not change hearts and minds or create impact or help anyone anymore. Nothing matters and everything ends, so what are we even waiting for?
And hitting this point, ladies and gentlemen, is when I realized I needed to unlearn the self-propagated myth of self-determination. I have always intellectually known that I did not choose my circumstances, my environment, who I love, or what I am at my very core. I am the sum of all the parts around me. Sure, I can influence things one way or another and make important choices, but the idea that I can control and single-handedly manifest outcomes is purely hubristic.
Yet, my emotional truth was right there and rocked to its core when things did not turn out the way I wanted. I realized that I had been living and acting in the belief that my actions and the choices I make on how to live my life could be clearly connected to my lucky outcomes. I can’t believe, as a statistician, I had to be reminded that correlation does not equal causation. Just because I make choices that relate to an ideal outcome, it doesn’t make it actually happen.
What I need to relearn is how to trust my future self. I act as though she can’t handle discomfort as well as I can right now. But that’s just a story to allow me to avoid present discomfort by trying to manage future pain.
To put it in practice, I am trying to do reps on connecting with the present moment. This is a hard thing to do, especially with a hyperactive mind that wants to always be working on something. I have found categorizing thoughts as “past/depression” and “future/anxiety” a helpful way to re-direct focus back to the present. Although now when I do it, I think about the framework itself and start wondering how that gets classified. No one said existing was easy!
What are you learning, unlearning, or relearning about control, or something adjacent, in your own life? I’d love to hear.
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