On Showing Up
Earlier this year, I came across a Tumblr post that I keep thinking about.
It’s the story of a man who is writing an article on people achieving high scores in classic video games. He finds out that the record for tetris is 327 lines. This man’s wife, regularly clears 500 - 600 lines on long car rides easily.
So, they go to a tournament, and she sets the record at 841. That wasn’t even her best score. She’s just a baller like that.
One of the reblogs added this:
There was a fantasy novel I read a long time ago that had a single moment that stuck with me. The protagonist has just won the world famous sword fighting competition and says something about being the best swordsman in the world. The mentor frowns and tells him that no, he isn't. He is the best swordsman out of the people that could afford to show up to this tournament. There could be a mercenary way out in the mountains, patrolling a snow encrusted fort's walls that could kick his ass and there was no way to know until he was already losing to the guy.
I think about that a lot, and how for every apparently dominant competitor, there might be a fucking ronin out there somewhere capable of destroying them.
When I first read it, it made me feel hopeless. It is utterly impossible to be the best at anything. There will always be someone out there who is better. It makes it disheartening to even try. But life has been showing me the other side of that lesson.
I already shared in my January blog post, I won gold in the RVA Open weightlifting competition. I was the only 35 - 39 year old female in the 63kg class. I still had to total (complete a snatch and clean and jerk) to qualify for the medal, but there was no one else to compete with but myself.
A few weeks later, there was a posting on the Richmond Film Network forums: there was an open casting call for a student film. I had only auditioned for theater roles before then so I did a lot of research. ChatGPT told me to memorize a monologue and come prepared with 3 copies of my headshot and have my resume stapled to the back.
For the entire week before the audition, I would catch Seth off guard by staring at him as if I wanted to talk. When he’d ask me what was going on, I would launch into my monologue as practice: I don’t know how instructive my experiences are because I’m “atypical” and I didn’t go to “NYU”… I’m sure he found it hilarious.
A few days before the audition I remembered to get my headshot sorted. A while back, I had paid someone on fiverr to touch up this selfie but ChatGPT said it would typecast me. So, with its direction and feedback, I had to get Seth to figure out how to take a good picture. Then, I had to figure out how to pose. Unfortunately, neither of us got there but Charley was hungry and jumping up in my lap and Seth caught a photo of me laughing and pushing him off and that seemed to do the trick.
This photo is too artsy.
I’m shoving Charley off my lap while trying to pose.
I had to run two separate errands to get the photos and resumes printed. Since the photos are 8x10 and paper is larger than that, I used my paper cutter to trim it down to match the headshot. I then had to staple each corner of the resume to the photo so it wouldn’t flap around. I ran out of staples for the very last corner of the last photo. Seth had to pick up more staples for me on his way home from work that night. I knew I was being extra, but I really wanted to be cast.
When it was time to finally audition, I got there early. They gave me a page with some sparse dialogue and told me to choose who I wanted to read for. They let me go into another room to briefly prepare as they set up the camera and equipment. Three minutes later, they had me come in to read. I said my lines but I forgot to do some of the movements. They had me read again with the direction to stand up partway through. This whole interaction was another three minutes. They thanked me for coming, asked me my schedule for March and told me they would be in touch.
As soon as it was done, I knew I could have done a better job. I tried to congratulate myself on showing up for the experience and putting in effort, but it didn’t stop me from crying once I got into my car. I felt so embarrassed that I had bombed the audition.
One week later, I ran into one of the students of the class and he told me that I did great and that it was almost finalized that I got the lead part. I was shocked.
I asked him how many people auditioned. He said two. There were three roles for the film.
Showing up can get you farther than you think. Even if you think you suck at it, you can still be the best person who showed up.
What have you shown up for lately, even when you weren't sure you should? I’d love to hear about it.
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