In Search of Instant Gratification

I am remarkably disciplined. Structure, control, gamified goals, delayed gratification paired with living a non-routine life and only committing to doing things that are important is a pretty good way to describe how I operate my life. It has helped me achieve some big fitness goals and maintain healthy lifestyle habits.

Now, I have a new habit I am trying to form, and I am stuck. Really stuck.

And it is driving me crazy because I have so many parts that should make it work, like an overarching “why” and systemic support that could make it sustainable.

But there are a lot of things that make the habit hard, so the missing key ingredient is all the more noticeable. And that ingredient is: Instant Gratification.

Let me break this down a little more.

When we seriously decide to start a new habit, we are at a point in our life where we have decided that the “pain” of the status quo has reached a point where the change is worthwhile. (see the Transtheoretical model of behavioral change) It gives us enough will-power to power through any discomfort this new activity brings on and that usually keeps us on track for at least a little while.

Then, life happens and all the reasons to not have the habit appear and start to chip away at our willpower. We are at risk of “relapsing” to our old ways.  

Like I said before, having a strong “why” and a system to facilitate the habit helps a lot. But that only helps with our “mental game”. We also need to appease our lizard brains.

For example, when I started running (and I hated running) I had the “why” of achieving a goal, the systemic support in my home routine with Seth also participating AND the instant gratification of eating candy and delicious running gels during my run and knowing that afterwards, I earned my BIG SPAGHETTI DINNERS.

the car is me. i am the car.

This new habit is different. So much harder.

Essentially, it is to meditate from 4am – 5am.

Previously, I would just sit at home with my cat purring on my lap. I did okay, especially since I had figured out how to incentivize good habits with bad ones. But, I would often sit a little too comfortably (i.e. be basically lying down) and I would sleep through it more often than not.   

Now that I am in Richmond, and am a 12 minute drive to a Jamatkhana, the right choice is to go in person.

It requires me to:

·        Wake up at 3:33am. (so I should sleep early, but I don’t. I am bad at sleeping)

·        Put on clothes.  (optimized by choosing the coziest outfits I own)

·        Drive to Khane. (sometimes not being alert)

·        Sit in meditation from 4am – 5am. (where I often spiral into existential dread or fixate on some minor inconvenience in my life)

·        Interact with people. (my least favorite thing to do if I am sleepy and they don’t want to cuddle and instead insist on asking probing judgmental questions about my life and personal choices.)

·        Drive home. (and try not to speed)

·        Get yelled at by my cat until I brush my teeth and get back into bed.

·        Go back to sleep until I actually have to start the day. (I usually have to read a bit to fall asleep and have to be up sometime between 8am – 10am depending on what I have going on).

When I first got here, I maintained a 36 day streak, then exhaustion, travel, life, etc. got in the way. I have been able to go a few days at a time, but then I started to wake up and think about the whole list above and then start to come up with excuses. Oh, the excuses! My tired brain is quite creative with its reasoning. It comes up with complicated decision algorithms factoring weather, strength training, coziness and coin flips. All because I don’t have an instant gratification hook.

When I was very little, it was food. My parents would get me McDonald’s hashbrowns. When I was older, it was being able to spend time with my best friend and a whole crew of cool and attractive people.

None of these incentives work anymore because:

A)     I am already exercising discipline in my diet for weightlifting so extra calories are a burden, not a treat.

B)     I don’t like eating in the morning anyways.      

C)     See bullet point #5 above.

So why don’t I just give up? Because I have experienced the long-term benefits of going, and I want that again. It never makes life easier, but it does help make things feel like they are falling into place. It feels like the right things to do – not in a “should” way, but in a deeper truer way.

But, like I said, that doesn’t work on drowsy, exhausted Salimah. I need something more instant and tangible to succeed. And I am still really stuck.

Help me please. Thank you.

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